the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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