I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize