I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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