Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
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I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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