I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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