pop tarts are not kleenex
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
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His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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