In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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