I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is Oprah even human
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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