My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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