So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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