I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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