I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize