Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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