Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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