Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am available for nakedness
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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