Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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