I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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