god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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