I wish I could punch you in the face.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Randomize