Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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