nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
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I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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