How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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