I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
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I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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