Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize