he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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