the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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