i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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