If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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