can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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