Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
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He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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