My friends, they love my intelligence
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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