I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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