Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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