the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize