Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
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She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
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I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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