My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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