Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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