Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
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Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry my hands just texted you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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