I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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