I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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