So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
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The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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