I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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