Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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