Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
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IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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