A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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