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our cab driver is having phone sex.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Randomize
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