I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize