Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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