I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
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i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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