Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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